Cross-cultural Dating: How does a lady date a man?

Dating has become a taboo topic these days. Men who date are players; women who date are desperate. There’s a lot of talk about “just hanging out” or “becoming friends first”, but ladies, you can call your date a meeting, a coffee break, or even a mistake–it’s still a date!

Throw in a culture gap, different expectations, and past emotional luggage, it’s no wonder dating gets a bad rep. That doesn’t mean you should stay away or drop out, though. After all, you can’t catch fish unless you go fishing. Here’s a roundup of a few tips on how to charm your next date–like a lady!

Plan ahead
Before you go on a date, whether a blind date, a group date, or an overnight trip with a bunch of friends, you should know what you expect from it. Anticipation can be very exciting while dating, so be like Anna in Frozen and dream about your prince and all the things you have in common. Then, move beyond Disney censorship and think about how far you want to go on this date, what rules you want to honor, and at what pace you’d like your relationships to proceed. Ask yourself:

Should you shave your legs just before your date? Pack your makeup set? A toothbrush?

Might you eat first so you won’t impatiently expect food and then scarf down your meal like a dog in a sausage factory…? Or will you schedule something for after, perhaps even another date, in preparation for a quick escape.

A lady doesn’t just get dolled up for a date and let the man lead, she prepares for it like a warrior on the eve of battle: with a war strategy, a battle plan, and a hunger for victory!

Play the game
Did you know dating is supposed to be fun? Often I hear women complaining about dating like it’s a chore–there’s even a commercial where a friend comes over to help pick an outfit, matching hair and make up, but in the end she cancels her date and they both stay in to eat chocolate! Why? Because apparently
eating chocolate is more fun than going out on a date with a guy. Can you imagine a similar commercial for men?

I have never heard a man complain about taking a woman out on a date (of his own accord–arranged dates are different). It’s us ladies who think it’s so much trouble to get our facials and waxes, make up and hair done, and then prance around in our fancy dresses and heels. Since it’s such a time and effort investment for us, we often have high expectations–followed by deep disappointments. Hence, dating is often a means to an end (marriage, partnership).

When we treat dating like work, it’s no fun. We go in with all the pressures of our age, family, academic background, bank account, and lifetime aspirations, hoping to discover our dates would make a good match. The problem lies in our expectations and how we go about discovering what we want to know. Women who ask their dates twenty questions over a meal are not dating, they’re interviewing. Don’t be that woman. Be a lady who expects a knight in shining armor and don’t fear that you’ll never meet him.

Humans are conditioned to respond to potential mates who are “good enough”–that’s when love at first sight happens. Unfortunately, your body doesn’t know a man’s educational or family background, the numbers in his bank account, or his career readiness. So spend some time and think about the human aspects of your ideal man: is he tall? Is he funny? Will he ask the waiter to bring you your fifth fork because you keep dropping them? Or is he clumsy and cute? Find out what you like, and then treat dates like a treasure hunt! You can’t ask the map to driver the treasure, but you can follow it along and experience adventures!

Don’t break rules
Dating rules are not set in stone, so whether your following your mother’s advice, Sex and the City, or a book on relationships, doesn’t matter as long as you have carefully selected and considered your rule set. A lady should be committed to a set of rules she’s before she dates. She definitely does not make them up as she goes depending on how much she likes a guy.

Remember, the rules exist for a reason. Not only do rules help structure your dates, but they also help you weed out the wolves from the golden retrievers. Examples of rules include:
– [ ] Give every invitation one date (he could be your frog prince!)
– [ ] Only accept an invitation sent at least two days in advance (so if he wants to see you this weekend, he should ask by Wednesday or you’ve got other plans).
– [ ] Decide if you like him enough by the third date and demand girlfriend status if you do (no more “just hanging out”).
– [ ] Don’t put out until your boyfriend has put effort into wooing you (the origins of the weekend getaway).

Be independent
Although there are cultural distinctions, a lady should follow her gut feeling. Just as you wouldn’t want to go out with someone who expects you to cater to their desires and then pick up the bill, most men can appreciate financial independence in a woman. Think about what you want to eat, watch, or do, and vocalize your decisions. Bring your wallet with small change so that you can offer to pay at each junction–if nothing else, your date will appreciate the courtesy you’ve shown him. Whether you like a man who lets you pay is up to you.

Know your ending
Remember how a lady plans ahead? Well, you can plan all you want, but you won’t know how much you like a man until you’ve dated him. Which is why you should be thinking long term during your date. Do you want to see him again? Do you foresee a future? Would you break rules for him (don’t do it)?

Decide during the date when and how you want the date to end. If he suggests another place, do you want to go? Would you like a coffee or an early ending? Is he going to take you home or are you going to part ways early? Are you going to end with a hug or a friendly “just friends” handshake? By knowing your ending before the end, you can confidently say your peace and avoid awkwardness.

Continue Reading

What I learned from China and a roll of toilet paper

I was sitting in the dining room of our West Los Angeles airbnb apartment when I noticed a roll of toilet paper on the dining table.

What the heck” was my first thought, and I proceeded to call out my Chinese husband on his “error”.

Why is the toilet paper in the dining room? We have paper towels, napkins, and tissue boxes…so why bring the toilet paper out of the toilet?

Return culture shock
By the second time I noticed this, it occurred to me that this was normal in China. Even though we bought tissue paper and paper towels, sometimes we would resort to toilet paper in the house. At many offices I worked, my colleagues had toilet paper in their desk drawers or placed on the pantry dining table. I’ve even seen college students bring out a huge roll of toilet paper from their jacket pockets to unroll enough for a sneeze while out walking.

All of this was pretty normal because toilet paper is more economical, you can buy it in bulk, and it’s a daily necessity. In comparison, you could go without tissue paper (Kleenex), paper napkins, and paper towels. Toilet paper is obviously a practical person’s go-to-paper.

Yet here I was, a few weeks back in the US, and already judging my husband for using toilet paper the “wrong” way. It’s one of those things that I used to think makes me feel more “civilized”, and now that we were back in the West, I felt a need to return to our old ways.

Dreadfully uncivilized
But, wait, why does it matter if toilet paper is on the dining table? The same reason why there are coffee and tea cups, coffee mugs, water glasses, glogi glasses, shot glasses, beer mugs, whiskey glasses, red wine glasses, champagne glasses, and the list goes on–capitalism.

If you use the wrong glass, you’re uncivilized. If you use the wrong fork, you’re uncivilized. If you use the wrong plate, you’re uncivilized.

…See where I’m going with this? There’s no practical purpose in these “rules”. If you learn about etiquette, you might learn of some convincing reason, like how the aroma of wine stays within the glass longer or enters your nostrils better, but is it practical? No, it just sounds fancy. You can drink wine from a plastic cup, the bottle, or even a barrel as many of us might’ve discovered in college.

Designating specific types of paper for different purposes is just like having a whole aisle for “liquid coffee creamers” at the supermarket (only in the US!). You don’t need such variety, but product designers and marketers will tell you you do in order to sell you more stuff.

Revolution a Privilege
We can look at China’s cultural revolution and shake our heads at her supposed backwardness, shaming the nation for its cultural loss. Or, we can look at China’s cultural revolution and recognize the revolution for what it is: a revolution.

In the West, there are cultural norms, rules that dictate what is civilized and what is not. If you’re uncivilized, you’re backward, uneducated, and even, savage. These are colonial terms that many still throw around to establish class differences. If you’re poor, you didn’t take etiquette classes as a child, and missed out on valuable lessons from your private tutor. Poor people are always uncivilized.

China in that sense is like a blank slate. Rich Chinese can be of any class, like the infamous tuhao. They have the power to revolutionize society on their terms, rather than follow the age old lead of the west, where they will never be revered as equals. Young Chinese are free to educate themselves and pick and choose their values and build their own cultural identity. Is this not enviable?

Maybe I can too. I took a piece of the toilet paper on the dining table and wiped my nose. Huh. Why was this a big deal again?

Continue Reading

7 Things to consider before moving to Beijing, China

So you’re considering a job, a university, or a relocation to China’s capital, Beijing, and you’ve scoured the internet for articles, blogs, and discussions about life in China, life in Beijing, expat life, etc. Why are you reading another article about what to consider before moving Beijing, then? Because you’re just not sure.

When I moved to Beijing in 2012, I wasn’t sure either. I didn’t make any commitments (but had offers), booked my flights, packed our belongings into a storage, and left with the idea that I’d “test the waters” before deciding if Beijing was for me. Four years proves that I liked it.

It’s important to keep in mind that headhunters, recruiters, and HR people are not going to tell you what realistically to expect. They will share the positives and perhaps a few common anecdotal evidence as to why you should make the leap, but ultimately their goal is to get you over there. On the other end, a quick internet search will give you an endless supply of horror stories and negative experiences. Who should you believe?

Believe me. I spoke with American recruiters before heading out to China. I know exactly how they’re selling China to you. I’ve had colleagues who ran around in circles, taking road trips and flights to get their visas and work permit clearances, and I’ve known foreigners who went with a visitor visa and adjusted their status later. I’ve met foreigners who cried and wanted to leave after they first day, and foreigners who have stayed and stayed and won’t ever leave. I’ve met super qualified foreigners in high positions, and foreigners who didn’t even have a high school diploma. You can meet anyone in Beijing and at some point you stop being surprised.

Keep in mind that every list and opinion derives from one’s background. For me, a lot of the complaints about Beijing simply didn’t register because I was coming from a metropolitan area (Los Angeles, CA) with a high living standard, some pollution, and a lot of traffic. In addition, I’m an Asian looking person with Mandarin skills, a Chinese husband who studied in Beijing, and previous China travel experience (Northern China in 2002, Shanghai in 2004, Chengdu in 2008). But don’t dismiss my opinion just because we might not come from the same background. You might be surprised!

Now, on to the points you should consider before moving to Beijing:

Woman in pollution mask in Beijing’s smog

Beijing’s pollution is real, but not the worst.
What is it like living in a city known for its apocalyptic skies? It can be depressing, but on the bright side it makes you and everyone around you appreciate the blue skies more.

In practice, pollution forces us to think about sealing doors and windows, about indoor air quality, the usefulness of indoor (and outdoor) plants, and even car air quality and vent cleanliness. We shopped around for air purifiers, heavy drapes, snake plants, face masks, and various other ways we can better take control of the air we breathe. It also means that there’s an indoor smoking ban in Beijing, which doesn’t mean no one smokes in your local neighborhood restaurant, but it does mean that hotels, conference rooms, and offices enforce the ban.

With how bad pollution can get in Beijing, we sometimes forget that other cities have it worse. In traveling for work, I discovered cities where the smoke was so bad I couldn’t walk without coughing (and I lived in Beijing!) Developing third tier cities are often covered by a layer of dust from nonstop construction. Industrial cities have nothing but pollution, and in cities without a smoking ban you’ll find yourself choking as much indoors as outdoors.

I’ve known people who left because of the pollution, people with infants who couldn’t stop coughing, and children who couldn’t get enough oxygen. People die from pollution every year, which is frightening to hear, but also a sobering warning for all of us to evaluate our health prior to moving to Beijing. For example, if you’re sensitive to cigarette smoke, you might want to reconsider moving to Beijing. Research shows that standing outside on a smoggy day is equivalent to smoking forty cigarettes per day.

Beijing is dusty
It shouldn’t surprise you that one of the most polluted cities is dirty or dusty, but many forget that unless you drive everywhere, leave your nice clothes and shoes home.

I can testify to ruining at least two pairs of leather boots within a year after having had them for a long time in the US. Friends have also bemoaned the destruction of perfectly good white clothes and the amount of cleaning required to maintain a dust free home.


Beijing is big, big, big
Beijing is not just a city, it’s a city state, which makes it similar to a county. It’s kind of like the greater Los Angeles area.

The “rings” that circulate Beijing can give you a good indication of how big it is. The first ring is basically the palace of ancient China (the most central area of the city) around which the other rings circulate. The second ring encompasses the “old town” of Beijing with its treasured architecture and old “hutongs”, as well as the Central Business District (CBD). The third ring has more modern neighborhoods, including many foreigner friendly hoods. The fourth ring is getting a little far already, and the fifth ring includes remote expat areas where international schools are located with their gigantic campuses. The sixth ring now has subway access and is where the working class Chinese might flock to for affordable living, and the seventh ring wasn’t even developed when I first went to Beijing and yet now it’s actually known.

What this means is that it’s very important to know where you will stay before you go and how far it is from your place of work and schools. It also means that if you live in one district, you might seldom set foot in another district.


Beijing is not cheap
Many foreigners like to blog about how much money they saved in their interim year in China, or how retirees go to China to save for their dream home. I’ve known people who worked at educational institutions and did well for themselves, but make no mistake, Beijing is not a cheap city. Neither is any other “first tier” Chinese city.

This can come as a surprise to foreigners entering China from the US (compared to EU citizens from “expensive” countries) who moan Beijing’s high rents, expensive restaurant and bar scene, and sky-high children’s school tuition fees.

To give you an idea of rental costs, in 2010 we paid $1050 (RMB 7350) for a one bedroom apartment in the greater Los Angeles area. In Beijing, we looked at one bedroom apartments for about RMB 6500-7000 ($928.50-1000) within third ring. We also tried living outside fifth ring for RMB 3200 ($457) a month (a two bedroom loft, 125sqm), but in the end we couldn’t stand the commute (there was no subway access).

In 2017, we can find the same one bedroom apartment for $1350-1450 (RMB 9,450-10,150) with newer buildings in gated communities costing $1900-2200 (RMB 13,300-14,700). In Beijing, we’re taking RMB 8000-12,500 ($1,140-1,785) for a one bedroom within three ring.

Now you’re thinking maybe the cost of living is low and makes up for it. This depends on your lifestyle. Local food can be as cheap as RMB 1.5 ($0.21) for a meat bun, RMB 10 ($1.4) for a bowl of noodles, or RMB 3-5 ($0.42-0.71) for a meat skewer. A burger with fries costs around RMB 65 ($9.20), a pizza around RMB 170 ($24.28), and a coffee around RMB 38 ($5.4), depending on where you dine. Healthy eating will especially cost you.

Beijing subway security personnel scans passenger in security check

Beijing as the capital is not like other Chinese cities
Many are surprised when they move from other cities to Beijing at the level of bureaucracy and heightened security measures in Beijing. In a populous country like China, the capital has the most random people and the centralized government works overtime trying to maintain order.

What this means for our day to day lives is minor annoyances that you eventually learn to accept as normal. This includes paying down four to six months rent to move in, and paying three months rent at a time in a bulk sum. It includes some apartments having pay-as-you-go electricity cards (I’ve even seen water cards!) It means carrying your passport because you might be interrogated at any time, and having to throw all your belongings through an X-ray machine every time you take the subway or train. Some stations will have you walk through metal detectors, check in your water for chemical bombs, and even ask you to surrender to a pat down–for a subway ride! But nothing is as important as remembering that Beijing takes its twenty four hour alien registration policy very seriously so remember to take your passport to the closest community police station…or else!

Beijing subway requires a lot of walking and is packed

Beijing requires a lot of walking
Even if you drive or take cabs (or uber) everywhere, you’ll still need to walk. The reason is that apartment communities, train stations, subway stations, and the inner city are all built like little villages. So you might think you’ll be on time arriving five minutes before you’re promised time outside a plaza, mall, shopping center, or apartment community only to realize it’s a ten minute walk to the building you’re looking for. When you arrive, you might find yourself facing a flight of stairs.

If you take public transportation, get ready to walk a lot just getting around or transferring lines.

Maid service price comparison from sina english

In Beijing, help is cheap and plentiful, but good help is still hard to find

One of the things I miss the most about Beijing was all the cheap labor I could afford to hire. I still remember my neighbor who had several help, or ayis, come by throughout the week. There was the nanny, and the music teacher, and the tutor for the kids. Then there’s the cooking ayi, the cleaning ayi, and the ayi who only does ironing. Even hiring a chef to pick up groceries and cook a meal in your home is incredibly affordable (around RMB 300 or $42.80).

While ayis might be enthusiastic about cleaning or cooking, that doesn’t mean they’re good at what they do. Many Ayis clean without any formal training, bringing their backward village ways and traditions into your home. I can’t tell you how many times people have complained about an ayi who used the same cutting board for meat and vegetables, or who didn’t differentiate a table rag from a floor rag. I’ve seen many Ayi’s clean with hot water, convinced that the heat would kill bacteria off the floor better than pinesol, and I’ve cringed at Ayi’s who couldn’t get the ratio right for their bleach solution at restaurants and businesses.

A whole industry has been built around training help from infant CPR classes to western cooking classes to complete training. If you’re a picky person, hire your help through an agency and ask for someone who has specifically worked for someone from your culture. Cultural norms also differ so don’t be surprised if an ayi who’s worked for a “foreigner” for X number of years has different notions of “clean” than you.


Deciding to move to Beijing is a decision that requires careful consideration. Join groups on social media to meet people like you who have taken the plunge and hear more voices on the topics you care about. Did I miss something? Comment below for my opinion!

Continue Reading

6 Things you need to know about China’s QQ

QQ is Tencent’s instant messaging platform developed in 1999 that’s said to be an imitation of ICQ, which was developed in 1996. I remember using ICQ as my primary chat tool around 1999-2000, after AOL messenger and before MSN messenger.

QQ penguin
The only impression I had of QQ prior to living in China was their penguin logo and the annoying door sound notification they have for your friends coming online or going offline. It sounds just like this door sound from my son’s Vtech barnyard toy, only repeated more often than a hyperactive toddler can press a button.
Vtech sit to stand barnyard musical toy
It was so annoying hearing international Chinese students playing that sound throughout freshman year of college that I actually had an aversion to QQ. I found no reason to use the application. Even when the international version came out I stuck to WeChat only. Then came the day when I worked freelance on a project for a Chinese company and they flat out told me that the only way our relationship could last is if I download QQ and check it frequently (in other words: get the app on mobile too).

Whether you’ve seen your coworkers using QQ, heard your collaborators ask you to download QQ, or never heard of the whole thing, this list is for you! It’s the quick and easy guide to understanding the basics of QQ so you can decide if you need to use it too!

QQ international screenshot

1. “Email? Don’t you have wechat or QQ?”

If you’ve been on the receiving end of this question, you need to read on! QQ is the equivalent of email in China, hence why everyone has it and most use it. The latest report from a December 2016 showed that QQ has 899 million active monthly users, which is roughly 56.6% of all Chinese internet users.

You may have noticed that many Chinese email addresses are actually their QQ number (similar to ICQ) Josh Horowitz (Quartz) wrote an excellent article on how Chinese prefer real time conversation over email, which they consider lagged and much too slow. This is an important point to note if you do business with Chinese or collaborate–Don’t expect them to honor your no-work-emails-after-hours rule, or to accept your I’ll-respond-on-Monday-morning comment. In China, it’s not just the economy that’s been fast paced, but people have become accustomed to a faster pace as well, and no one has time for email.

QQ file transfer example

2. “What’s your QQ? I’ll transfer the files overnight”

If you work in China, or with China, and need to transfer files, you must use QQ.

The good news is that QQ is actually a superior tool for transferring files in that it’s free, you can set your account to automatically accept files without having to click “download”, and there is no cap on file size. You can also transfer files while offline and it pauses rather than resets when there are connectivity issues. This may not seem like a big deal if you haven’t tried using China’s internet, as you would not be aware of how much slower it is and how it is also incredibly unstable.

When you’re transferring hundreds of megabytes or even gigabytes, and your emails reject them, and services like Dropbox are blocked by the Great China Wall, and cloud services either require too great a learning curve or it’s difficult to agree on just ONE cloud server (icloud, google drive, Baidu yun), it’s easier to stick to an application everyone is already familiar with and using in their personal time: the chat app. It’s like businesses marketing with Snapchat–they don’t so it because it’s a superior platform, they do it because everyone’s already on it.

As such, QQ has established itself as the workplace chat app (like Jabber), the family group chat app (like Facebook Messenger), the music app (like Spotify), the gaming app (like Facebook games–or what it aspired to be), and the meet-new-people app (like AOL public chat rooms).

Wechat Versus QQ

3. “QQ vs. WeChat”

You might think that since WeChat is life in China, QQ must be its older outdated cousin. However this is not the case; QQ and WeChat are both owned by Tencent. They are not interchangeable and it’s not an either or situation where you have to pick a side. In fact, a recent WeChat statistics show that foreigners in China use WeChat more than Chinese. How could this be if WeChat is life? Because it’s not 100% of Chinese life.

If you’re a millennial wondering where all the young people are on WeChat, note that 80% of QQ users were born after 1990 (the so-called “post 90s”). This is most likely due to the popular multiplayer gaming options on QQ and the fact that many consider WeChat to be for “mature” users (such as the arenas of millennials).

QQ in iOS AppStore

4. “Where’s your computer?”

QQ is best used on desktop as its mobile app has limited capabilities, especially if used for file transfer/gaming. Since it was originally developed for PCs, its mobile version is not nearly as sophisticated, nor does it have the location and payment capabilities of WeChat.

The mobile app is best for existing users who need to remain “online” (it keeps you logged in while running in the background) and alert for new messages.

QQ international login screen

5. “Oh, you can’t read Chinese?”

QQ has an international version, which is fully in English, and has the same “live translation” function that WeChat is known for.

The international version can be downloaded on mobile too, but evidently new accounts must be created on the website or with the desktop client.

QQ Facebook inapp

6. “Do you have Facebook?”

QQ now has a Facebook app called QQchat as part of its worldwide expansion attempt. What this means is that you no longer have to create an account with a bunch of numbers you don’t remember, but can instead login directly with your Facebook account.

So are you ready to join the 899 million QQ users? Or do you still have doubts? Questions? Leave a comment and let’s talk it out!

Continue Reading